What a relief when 7:15 arrived so we could begin making our way to the train. I followed Dima as always, Oksana closely behind me. She was pulling her 2 small suitcases. I had the large one and the laptop, and Dima had his.
We went out a back door; I kept looking for the way to the platforms usually in the ‘inside’ of the train station. As we stepped outside the door into a harrowing -34C wind chill factor! There was no pulling a roll away suitcase across a surface, you had to lift whatever you were planning to pull as it was all rocks, freshly dug up it seemed. It was like something out of Dr. Zivago, I’m telling you a step back in time. Perhaps the movie Red??? Only this is real time, no camera crews in this joint!
Thank God I had gloves on as we walked across 3 sets of railroad tracks carrying our suitcases etc, and headed our way as we crossed the final tracks was a train approaching quickly with its lights, blowing its horn!
“Hey Dima, are you supposed to be crossing tracks while the train is coming? Aren’t there supposed to be platforms where you stand and wait? It’s illegal to cross tracks in our country, what the heck is this place?”
“Oh well, yeah, that’s our train coming, quick run! Let’s get to the other side!”
I put my head down and hoped Oksana was following as we ran. I couldn’t see because the wind was blowing so hard my hair was across my face, I just kept plowing forward occasionally looking up to make sure Dima was in front of me. I rarely looked back… that’s pathetic!
We had to run quite a distance as our car was more to the front of the train and where we crossed the tracks was near the rear of this line. I just kept talking to myself to overcome the pain of the cold wind whipping my face and body, thank God I had gloves on, so did Dima, did Oksana? I didn’t think about it anymore, I just kept running.
Dima shouted back, “Hurry, we only have a few minutes and we have to make it our car!”
Ok Dima, like I can run any faster with all this luggage, laptop, cold, inability to see, I mean what do you do if you’re in a wheel chair for Pete’s sake? Survival of the fittest for sure!
Thank God the train master was there to help us up the steep steps onto the train with all our luggage. We barely made it.
We were catching our breath trotting down the hall to find our cabins, thrilled to be out of the killer wind and looking to warm up.
We reached our cabins and fell inside. I looked back to see Oksana sitting down holding out her hands, they were PURPLE from the cold!!!! I wanted to cry, what had I done? Where was my mother instinct? Why didn’t I take my gloves off and give them to her? Isn’t that what every mother does, gives her life for her child, protects the child first, you know the story of the hen covering the chickadees in the fire only to be burned to death but they survived?
There was none of that happening in this scene. I was silenced by my insensitivity and complete lack of compassion. What was I here for? What was I doing?
I sat down, opened my coat, grabbed her hands and shoved them in underneath my sweater next to my body to warm them up. They were like ice! All I could say is, “I’m sorry, I should have given you my gloves, I am so sorry…”
“It’s ok, it’s ok, no, no, no, and it’s ok” she said.
Right, just take me out back and flog me, I was shocked at my own lack of… well, you get the idea.
Dima came in to tell us that it was just ridiculously cold on this train, there was no way we were going to get any sleep, and he was on his way to speak with the train master. We needed heat!
He returned momentarily to inform me that the train master said they had the heat full tilt, they just didn’t have the capacity to keep up with the cold.
He noticed that I had Oksana’s hands in my coat and asked what the problem was. I showed him her hands; they were a little less purple at this point. He just looked at me and I said, “I know, I know, she doesn’t have gloves and I didn’t offer her mine, scum of the earth, I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”
“Deborah, you have to get into this moment now, she is yours, you have a daughter, and you have to get with it. Leave the others behind, it’s over, this is your daughter now, you have to think of her.”
Sobering words….
He had already changed into his overnight ‘train’ clothes. He sat down and ordered us each a hot tea. We pulled out our food, made sandwiches and had them with our hot tea and cookies. After finishing he said, “We need to work. Get settled and get her in bed, then come down to my cabin and we can prepare all the papers for the embassy tomorrow. We have to be ready when we arrive, we go straight from the train station to the embassy, and I cannot go in with you, you have to go in by yourself, I am not allowed to go with you. I’ll see you in a bit.”
He made some sandwiches, took some snacks and water and went to his cabin. I pulled out her pajamas and mine, we pulled down every blanket in the cabin we could find and made our beds. I put her to bed and left for Dima’s cabin with all my paperwork. BUT… not without taking a few snapshots of the window. There was ice, covering the drapes INSIDE the window!! I stacked everything against the large window I could get my hands on to stop the cold from coming in. But, to no avail, the ice continued to grow. This is NOT happening!!!!
Unfortunately, I simultaneously realized I needed to use the ladies room, something I wanted to avoid at all costs, but it was inevitable on a 14 hour train ride. No way could I hold it for another 13 hours.
I made my way down the hall, stopping to ask Dima which end was the “least offensive” lavatory. Mind you this is the first class cabins. Translation… there’s most likely toilet paper. Good, I had forgotten mine.
Not too bad a smell, it’s so cold, it’s all frozen, a plus for once. As I grabbed the two walls to balance myself against the rocking train, aiming for the metal hole, all of a sudden I see smoke!
I panicked, was the train on fire, were we to be left in the middle of nowhere on the side of the tracks as the train exploded or even worse, caught fire and left us?
I looked around crazed only to realize there was no fire. No, it was the steam rising from the hole as the pee hit the metal. Too graphic? Sorry gang, reality for me!
Now… THAT’S @*#! COLD!!!!! And I won’t apologize for the explicative here, it calls for one!
This meant only one thing- it was going to be a LOOOONNNGGG night!
I made my way back to Dima’s cabin, sat down and began telling him my doubts about this adoption. What was I doing? How had I not given her my gloves and protected her? Why were we not connecting? Why was she speechless and not talking either us?
“Deborah, just calm down, give yourself and her a chance. You just got her, you don’t know one another, she’s probably scared and frightened, don’t worry about it, just give yourself time.”
I guess he knows. But, he had avoided telling me all day about her history, the knowledge he had gained from the woman at the birth certificate place. Now that we were alone, he could tell me.
As I began my interrogation, he only laughed as he knows I want EVERY LITTLE DETAIL AND MORSEL OF INFORMATION I CAN GET!! I told him he has to act like a woman, we want to know it all, and not a man who gives a VERY broad overview if that and that’s it.
He knew I would interrupt him about 100 times as he told the story insuring he didn’t leave out any details. He began…
By the time he was finished and I was done with my questions, I was floored! My mouth was hanging agape and quite honestly –I was in shock. I don’t want to reveal her history here or now. Perhaps one day she will be able to articulate it if she chooses.
Until then, when she has the vocabulary and she’s ready, we will need to work through it together as mother and daughter along with her father… she will need healing.
I will say that what this little one has experienced, no person should EVER have to go through, and least of all a child. The trauma, violence, loss, and loneliness she has survived are frankly beyond the written word.
It was in this moment that I had to make a decision; well; actually it just followed, thank God! I knew I needed to choose to love her no matter what I felt or did not feel. it’s not about me having the “daughter” I chose, who likes pink, dresses the ultimate feminine, bursting with laughter and personality, bubbly, petite whatever other descriptive applied to the twins I was mourning at the same time, knowing they were now gone forever… I needed to tend to the matter at hand, the reality of the choice God had made for me and our family- and dig in.
When I returned to our cabin, she was asleep. I went to bed and cried. Father, I need grace!!! First, to get over feeling like the dreg of the earth for being negligent already, and secondly, to love when there were no ‘feelings’ behind it. Sound familiar? Perhaps… the Gospel?
“Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay his life down for his friend.” Jesus.
Application time.
We went out a back door; I kept looking for the way to the platforms usually in the ‘inside’ of the train station. As we stepped outside the door into a harrowing -34C wind chill factor! There was no pulling a roll away suitcase across a surface, you had to lift whatever you were planning to pull as it was all rocks, freshly dug up it seemed. It was like something out of Dr. Zivago, I’m telling you a step back in time. Perhaps the movie Red??? Only this is real time, no camera crews in this joint!
Thank God I had gloves on as we walked across 3 sets of railroad tracks carrying our suitcases etc, and headed our way as we crossed the final tracks was a train approaching quickly with its lights, blowing its horn!
“Hey Dima, are you supposed to be crossing tracks while the train is coming? Aren’t there supposed to be platforms where you stand and wait? It’s illegal to cross tracks in our country, what the heck is this place?”
“Oh well, yeah, that’s our train coming, quick run! Let’s get to the other side!”
I put my head down and hoped Oksana was following as we ran. I couldn’t see because the wind was blowing so hard my hair was across my face, I just kept plowing forward occasionally looking up to make sure Dima was in front of me. I rarely looked back… that’s pathetic!
We had to run quite a distance as our car was more to the front of the train and where we crossed the tracks was near the rear of this line. I just kept talking to myself to overcome the pain of the cold wind whipping my face and body, thank God I had gloves on, so did Dima, did Oksana? I didn’t think about it anymore, I just kept running.
Dima shouted back, “Hurry, we only have a few minutes and we have to make it our car!”
Ok Dima, like I can run any faster with all this luggage, laptop, cold, inability to see, I mean what do you do if you’re in a wheel chair for Pete’s sake? Survival of the fittest for sure!
Thank God the train master was there to help us up the steep steps onto the train with all our luggage. We barely made it.
We were catching our breath trotting down the hall to find our cabins, thrilled to be out of the killer wind and looking to warm up.
We reached our cabins and fell inside. I looked back to see Oksana sitting down holding out her hands, they were PURPLE from the cold!!!! I wanted to cry, what had I done? Where was my mother instinct? Why didn’t I take my gloves off and give them to her? Isn’t that what every mother does, gives her life for her child, protects the child first, you know the story of the hen covering the chickadees in the fire only to be burned to death but they survived?
There was none of that happening in this scene. I was silenced by my insensitivity and complete lack of compassion. What was I here for? What was I doing?
I sat down, opened my coat, grabbed her hands and shoved them in underneath my sweater next to my body to warm them up. They were like ice! All I could say is, “I’m sorry, I should have given you my gloves, I am so sorry…”
“It’s ok, it’s ok, no, no, no, and it’s ok” she said.
Right, just take me out back and flog me, I was shocked at my own lack of… well, you get the idea.
Dima came in to tell us that it was just ridiculously cold on this train, there was no way we were going to get any sleep, and he was on his way to speak with the train master. We needed heat!
He returned momentarily to inform me that the train master said they had the heat full tilt, they just didn’t have the capacity to keep up with the cold.
He noticed that I had Oksana’s hands in my coat and asked what the problem was. I showed him her hands; they were a little less purple at this point. He just looked at me and I said, “I know, I know, she doesn’t have gloves and I didn’t offer her mine, scum of the earth, I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”
“Deborah, you have to get into this moment now, she is yours, you have a daughter, and you have to get with it. Leave the others behind, it’s over, this is your daughter now, you have to think of her.”
Sobering words….
He had already changed into his overnight ‘train’ clothes. He sat down and ordered us each a hot tea. We pulled out our food, made sandwiches and had them with our hot tea and cookies. After finishing he said, “We need to work. Get settled and get her in bed, then come down to my cabin and we can prepare all the papers for the embassy tomorrow. We have to be ready when we arrive, we go straight from the train station to the embassy, and I cannot go in with you, you have to go in by yourself, I am not allowed to go with you. I’ll see you in a bit.”
He made some sandwiches, took some snacks and water and went to his cabin. I pulled out her pajamas and mine, we pulled down every blanket in the cabin we could find and made our beds. I put her to bed and left for Dima’s cabin with all my paperwork. BUT… not without taking a few snapshots of the window. There was ice, covering the drapes INSIDE the window!! I stacked everything against the large window I could get my hands on to stop the cold from coming in. But, to no avail, the ice continued to grow. This is NOT happening!!!!
Unfortunately, I simultaneously realized I needed to use the ladies room, something I wanted to avoid at all costs, but it was inevitable on a 14 hour train ride. No way could I hold it for another 13 hours.
I made my way down the hall, stopping to ask Dima which end was the “least offensive” lavatory. Mind you this is the first class cabins. Translation… there’s most likely toilet paper. Good, I had forgotten mine.
Not too bad a smell, it’s so cold, it’s all frozen, a plus for once. As I grabbed the two walls to balance myself against the rocking train, aiming for the metal hole, all of a sudden I see smoke!
I panicked, was the train on fire, were we to be left in the middle of nowhere on the side of the tracks as the train exploded or even worse, caught fire and left us?
I looked around crazed only to realize there was no fire. No, it was the steam rising from the hole as the pee hit the metal. Too graphic? Sorry gang, reality for me!
Now… THAT’S @*#! COLD!!!!! And I won’t apologize for the explicative here, it calls for one!
This meant only one thing- it was going to be a LOOOONNNGGG night!
I made my way back to Dima’s cabin, sat down and began telling him my doubts about this adoption. What was I doing? How had I not given her my gloves and protected her? Why were we not connecting? Why was she speechless and not talking either us?
“Deborah, just calm down, give yourself and her a chance. You just got her, you don’t know one another, she’s probably scared and frightened, don’t worry about it, just give yourself time.”
I guess he knows. But, he had avoided telling me all day about her history, the knowledge he had gained from the woman at the birth certificate place. Now that we were alone, he could tell me.
As I began my interrogation, he only laughed as he knows I want EVERY LITTLE DETAIL AND MORSEL OF INFORMATION I CAN GET!! I told him he has to act like a woman, we want to know it all, and not a man who gives a VERY broad overview if that and that’s it.
He knew I would interrupt him about 100 times as he told the story insuring he didn’t leave out any details. He began…
By the time he was finished and I was done with my questions, I was floored! My mouth was hanging agape and quite honestly –I was in shock. I don’t want to reveal her history here or now. Perhaps one day she will be able to articulate it if she chooses.
Until then, when she has the vocabulary and she’s ready, we will need to work through it together as mother and daughter along with her father… she will need healing.
I will say that what this little one has experienced, no person should EVER have to go through, and least of all a child. The trauma, violence, loss, and loneliness she has survived are frankly beyond the written word.
It was in this moment that I had to make a decision; well; actually it just followed, thank God! I knew I needed to choose to love her no matter what I felt or did not feel. it’s not about me having the “daughter” I chose, who likes pink, dresses the ultimate feminine, bursting with laughter and personality, bubbly, petite whatever other descriptive applied to the twins I was mourning at the same time, knowing they were now gone forever… I needed to tend to the matter at hand, the reality of the choice God had made for me and our family- and dig in.
When I returned to our cabin, she was asleep. I went to bed and cried. Father, I need grace!!! First, to get over feeling like the dreg of the earth for being negligent already, and secondly, to love when there were no ‘feelings’ behind it. Sound familiar? Perhaps… the Gospel?
“Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay his life down for his friend.” Jesus.
Application time.
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