Fri, 31 Jan 2025 12:46:12 -0500WeeblyMon, 18 Oct 2021 04:00:00 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/i-amI have been working over the last couple of years to really take to heart, “renewing my mind daily” to overcome a negative, debilitating thought life which breeds hopelessness, depression, and doubting God’s goodness.

The last 2 years have been oppressive for our nation and world because of the situations that have come upon us outside of our control. This bred panic, hopelessness, fear, doubt and more in everyday life for all of us. And that’s above and BEYOND just life!! We all have our ‘normal’ family and life struggles, but this?!?!? Hence my journey…

"Father, I doubt I am changing, that this is working, seems like same ‘ole’ crap. Choosing to see myself free is seeing me smiling and joyous regardless of tasks undone, kids behavior, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, appointments, running the business etc etc!!! Last night my sleep was sabotaged by CeCe (my 3.5 lb dog) crying all night for more food, my youngest son getting up at 4am(????) and wanting to get in bed with me, I was so upset! Tending to their needs yet needing sleep to wake up early to meet You at 5am way before the house was up.  I need ALONE time WITHOUT DISTRACTION!! Perhaps You were using these moment to moment distractions to wake me up earlier, not to mention the nagging pain in my left leg all night. Freedom is JOY and LIFE in You ALWAYS!!! That’s what I want regardless of circumstances.”

Then came the most needed conversation...

How and what do You want me to change, Father? The stress of things to do, farm, kids - heaviness...

Well, let's start with burdens. Roll them on ME - I AM asking you to give them to me - and you keep carrying it all. And so what if things don't get done? Wasn't that a good Word from me last night? I want you to meditate on this today... "I AM one with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I AM NOW IN TOTAL healing mind, body and spirit. I AM walking in freedom all day."

OK - Should I give you my list of burdens today?

Will that make you feel better, Deborah? Because I already know it all... Look how frantic you were this morning. It's okay - I AM patient, I AM here, I AM always here!!

OK - that makes me want to cry. I guess... What if kids don't get things done - Oh well, right?! That steals life from me - all the business, it strangles me!

Surprise! Of course it does - LET GO - Then I will bring in the troops. IT'S MY JOB - really, it's as nothing to me! Hello - do you remember I created ALL things and I AM in and through ALL things and hold it ALL together?! ALL. ALL. ALL.Can you imagine managing ALL that?! HaHa and you stress over your little piece of ALL - that's why I say give it over. I AM already holding it ALL together for you. Can you simply enjoy Me as you go about your "day"? 

OK-OK- I am laughing in light of that thought really - I am stressing over what? OK, go put another star in place - ha - while I give you the house, the business, the children, the laundry, the floors, the kitchen, shopping for food, the business errands, schedules, my myriad of "to do's" today. Sigh - a breath of relief. Sitting here in the sun Your light shining on my face as I sit on a bean bag on the floor in our dining room  - Izzy laying next to me purring having this conversation with You - I AM at peace totally. Do I really have to get up and leave the quietness and peacefulness of this moment? Ugh -

Well that's up to you. How much do you believe I control time? That's right - I know the refrigerator man is on his way to fix the fridge finally, but perhaps he gets stuck in traffic - hhmmmm... We have more time. Isn't that piano worship music you have playing beautiful? I love listening to it with you. I enjoy how my gift to that artist blesses you and causes you to relax.

Thanks - it is a gift. By the way I saw that special Wood Pecker as I was walking with Nikita yesterday afternoon. It was so fun to see him or her. That blessed me as did when we saw George in the creek - our blue herring - the children so enjoy him as well. His wing span when he flies along the creek is incredible! My kids wish they could fly. I used to also when I was their age. Such freedom in that. OK - I am peaceful now. I'll enjoy coffee with you, just sitting, these last moments.

Doesn't it feel nice to REST? Funny how you have to labor to enter My rest? I knew, that's why I told you. 

​Now it's time - get going - write the next note...]]>Thu, 29 Mar 2018 20:43:47 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/a-wonderful-unexpected-giftMy youngest child, Nikita, approached me the other day while I was doing laundry in the mud room with a "gift". He said to me, "Momma, can I tell you something in secret? I have something to give you…” as he stretched out his arm to hand me his superhero spandex boxers.

"Sure sweetie, what would you like to tell momma?" I answered without missing a beat of loading the washer.

"No momma, come here, bend over, so I can whisper it to you."

Of course, eyeing the underwear, I was already suspicious of what this secret was all about. I asked without bending over, "do you have a little pottie to give me?"

"No,” he said, "come here so I can tell you my secret.”

I smiled thinking to myself, 'Hhmm, how's he going to frame this one? He's so creative!' I leaned over in his ear, but before he could say anything, I turned my head into his ear and I whispered, "Did you think you had a little 'pootie' to make, but instead got a little 'pottie'?

He looked at me with an ear to ear grin and nodded a big yes!

"Oohh, what a lovely gift for momma, and just in time for the washer!"

I opened my surprise gift and saw the pottie as he ran off delighted, somehow believing he got away with doing the pottie in his undies; and he was right!

I couldn't resist laughing at how his little mind thought up this imaginative way of presenting me with this lovely little surprise - after all, he IS seven and a half years old!

And then I heard from Abba as I rinsed out the poop and placed them with the rest of the laundry I was working on...

"Isn't it just like you as his mother to delight in his ‘true’ mess, receive it as a gift, let him enjoy his little game, and take care of it for him without another mention of it?"

Yeah, it is, he was afraid of getting in trouble for pooping in his pants, even though it was "technically" a mistake, but who could blame him?

"Yes Deborah and who could blame you? Isn't that interesting… and you think I am anything less than that with you? I outdo that by an infinite quantity of love for you. I sing over you in ALL your messes no matter how they come to be. Receive My love and run and play as did your little Nikita. Make no more mention of your faults or sin, I AM."

"The Lord your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing!"
Zephaniah 3:17

What a joy to do laundry that day and all the rest of the household chores. I found myself humming along with Him. It was a great day.


]]>Tue, 03 Oct 2017 16:38:22 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/bootsieIt has been one month since I lost Bootsie... My large, black cat with the four enormous white feet who had been with me for ten years. He was dropped off at the farm with his brother, Shadow, at about six weeks old. When I found them, I quickly took them both up to our house. They were fluffy, unusual, and beautiful. I somehow knew they were special - meant for me.

I lost Shadow about two years later - most likely to a fox in the winter. I mourned. I had no children and they had become my companions. Although they were not allowed in the house, I snuck them in during the winter days while Arlin was at work. Of course he quickly figured it out, but he knew they were good hunters... NO mice, rats, squirrels, or snakes around our home! OH they would bring the LIVE game up to the house, yes, even the snakes from the creek, and play with them, letting their prey think they were getting away and then... well, you know.

Every Christmas, while other families sent letters updating on their families, I sent newsletters with funny stories and antics about Bootsie and Shadow.

Four weeks ago, my brother-in-law found Bootsie on an trail between our homes off the farm. I had been looking for him for three days. My twin nieces and daughter, Diana, buried him for me. They made a headstone and put a vase of flowers next to it. We all held hands and prayed, hoping he did not suffer without me knowing he needed my help, and that he had gone off to rest peacefully as I learned dogs and cats do when they know it is their time. Who dare say there is no God?!

I cried for several days and continue to miss him. This fourth week of missing him, I had a dream that seemed so real...

I was sitting and chatting with a brother of mine at the table and Bootsie jumped up on the table as he often did demanding attention. I said to him, “Oh wow!! Where have you been my sweet friend? So it wasn't you that we found, it was another cat. Where have you been hiding the last four weeks?” Side note, where he was found, he was recognizable only to me, the large birds had apparently found him first. :(

I woke up and began to mourn again... Missing him at my window, missing walking down to the bus with the children, and every morning and afternoon walking along side CeCe and I as we took our daily walks to the bridge and back.

Then I heard the accusing voice, “How incredibly selfish and self-indulgent are you??!! Are you kidding me? In the wake of all the suffering of human beings in the world, children and families being murdered across the globe, hungry, homeless, orphans, addicted, all the pain, and you think God cares about a ridiculous cat??? Shouldn't you be busy caring for the sick, wounded, and the world rather than feeling sorry for yourself over a stupid cat, a mere animal with no soul??!”

I cringed and took the bait. I felt horrible the rest of the morning.

But then God whispered in my ear...

“Deborah, do you remember what happened at Glenville, the new farm, when you were with your children? You took in a baby kitten, rejected by it's mother - who was too thin and frail to care for her new litter of five kittens down at the farm. That kitten Nikita chose to love and name Tigey. You, along with the other children, began to feed and nurse this little one to life. But she was neglected too long. You and the children brought her into your home at the insistence of the children where she slept. They watched her vigilantly night and day for three days, feeding her every two hours with a tiny bottle, doing all they knew to do to give her life. You, as their mother, prayed with the children, taught them to lay hands on this tiny being, reminding them of My Word, 'A righteous man is kind to his animals.' How I LOVE ALL MY CREATION even to the least these, so much that I know when even a sparrow falls to the ground. You took her to the new farm with you as you went down to help your husband over the weekend with harvest. That Friday night, as you knew you were losing the battle with her, you held her, rocked her along with your children as Nikita cried, 'Momma, why doesn't Jesus answer our prayers for Tigey? He doesn't hear us Momma!” - as the others kept watch silently. You walked the silent country roads with only the sounds of tractors and combines running in the background, holding her close to your chest with the children praying. You answered them, 'He is here, He does care, He might just want Tigey to go home with Him instead of leaving her here with us.' Then she took her last breath with a little scream as you all prayed and cried. You cried with them. Your son Valera said, 'Let's take her up to the barns and bury her mom, I'll get a shovel and we can make a grave for her.' It was 10 p.m.. Arlin came down from the trench to take a quick break and say hi to you all, only to find you up at the barn. He joined the children and covered her. Nikita made a little mound. You all held hands and prayed. Then you left in the dark of night. There were only My stars and the moon to light your way out of the field. I was there too, watching, singing over you all, delighting in the midst of your family. Do you suppose that as you acted in mercy, kindness, and compassion for your children and their tiny friend, I am at all ANY less merciful, kind, or compassionate? OF COURSE I feel your loss for your companion, Bootsie; I created him for you. I know every grain of sand. I count every hair on every head. I created creatures that no human eye has seen, flowers and plants that bloom where no man has been... all for MY good pleasure and to share some of them with mankind! I know every sparrow that falls to the ground... the least of the birds of the air, and WHY? Because I AM. Receive my compassion for you, my comfort in the least of things in the face of the enemy. Imagine the magnitude of my love for the greatest of my creation, My children. I love you! Shut the mouth of the enemy with My Word and rejoice in Me only! Have a blessed day today, we'll enjoy it together.”

Well, then, I have nothing else to say accept thank you Jesus!!!!
]]>Tue, 11 Jul 2017 13:26:38 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/compelling-truth-terrific-realization-astonishing-empathyIt was such an astonishing thing that happended today, experiencing my youngest daughter feeling “empathy” and actualizing what it means to the point of tears,  her tears.

It all started a few days ago when she came to me really upset in her “high” dramatic fashion... “Moooom! (a one syllable word she easily made 4 syllables!) I feel like you love Nikita more than any of us. You treat him so special and you don't do that to the rest of us. Why does he get to sleep in your room still? Yarik was only four when he had to sleep downstairs with  Valera. Nikita is already 6!!!” On and on she went. (Need I mention that by the end of the night they  ALL end up in my room)

“Well,” I said, “Nikita is a little special honey. You know, all of you children had a little different start in life than Nikita. You see honey, everyone of you had a momma for at least a little while, maybe 2-3 three years. Your mommas fed you, rocked you, and held you most likely. She tried the best she could for you (She understands that Oksana and Valera had different mothers, and she and her siblings all shared the same mommy). But not Nikita. When he was born, his momma left him at the hospital. He then became very ill in the first three months of his life in the hospital. Then he had to have an operation. He was all alone - no one to hold him, feed him, comfort him, tell him he was loved and being cared for, that he would be ok... He just laid in the hospital bed. Then, when he was able to be moved, he was sent to the baby orphanage and nobody held him. He laid in a crib for the first two years of his life. Nobody talked to him, rocked him, or sang to him. You know how your little cousin is just one year old? You held her the other day. Remember how small she is? Imagine if her entire first year of life and then her second year of life if she didn't have the wonderful mommy she has? Imagine if she had no one to hold her all the time, love on her, rock her to sleep, care for her, feed her... all those things she needs so desperately. That's why Nikita didn't speak when he first came. No one ever spoke to him. He didn't know how. I feel like I have to make up for the years he had no one to care for him - to treat him extra special to fill him up for what he missed. I love all of you so much and equally, but he NEVER had anyone from the day he was born.”

​The look on her face was one of terrific realization. The words fell on her ears with weight and reality. She twisted her face in a few different ways as she was internalizing what I just shared with her. Then her eyes opened wide and she almost couldn't speak! She wanted to cry.

“Mother!!! Oh my, oh my, no wonder you spoil him. Now I understand. Mom you need to tell everyone in the family. They don't understand. If they knew, Mother, they wouldn't be so mean to him!”

Then today, Diana came to me and said how she showed Nikita kindness all day. She said, “I love him so much and feel so sad for him!” She began to cry, “Mom, I just have to cry when I think about it... That he was all alone and had nobody for so long!” And she continued to cry. She was experiencing empathy and compassion... WOW!!! 

Finally, at the end of the day she reported, “Mom, Nikita asked me why I was being so nice to him today. I told him that I heard a story about him when he was little. I tried to tell him, but he didn't understand. So I just said that I love him because he is my little brother.”

Okay, now that brought ME to tears. That she could comprehend what a little one had suffered and not bringing up her own loss or pain trying to minimize his story or trauma. That is unimaginably good news - so much like the gospel! “He who knew no sin became  sin for us experiencing all that we would so He could know our suffering and know how to intercede for us.”

I asked her what he meant by wondering why she was being nice to him? Was she normally NOT nice to him?  She told me that normally she pinches him or hits him, doesn't share with him when she's mad at him, etc. Surprise to me!!! I knew they quarreled at times but this was sounding as if it was how she related to him most of the time. 

Before bed, she came to me after they had been playing following dessert, “Mom, I just love Nikita soooo much! I keep thinking about his story mom and it makes me understand why you treat him the way you do and that he needs that from all of us. He's so cute mom, I just love him!!! You know mom, when you related what he went through to Cora, (her new one year old cousin) I thought of her and then of him, and I could understand. It just makes me want to cry for him. ”

If a nine year old girl can grasp empathy, compassion, and suffering to the point of changing her behavior toward her six year old brother, actually changing the way she sees him... Deciding rather than to be jealous over the “special” attention he receives, but to embrace it and become a part in it, well, that's just the GRACE OF GOD!!! And what a living testimony before my eyes! 

I was hit between the eyes thinking... "Where has my complaint been?" as the Psalmist David  writes,  “Why do my enemies seem to be prospering in their lives and the righteous suffer?” Paraphrase of course.... 

And then specifically thinking of those who come to my mind that I think don't deserve mercy or grace... How can God not let them reap what they have sewn??!! 

All I have to do is look at precious Diana, hear her words, see her response at learning the truth of where her brother has walked (or laid); and see how TRUTH CHANGED HER HEART  from one of jealousy, envy, strife, and bitterness to compassion, love, and mercy. She feels compelled to love him! 

I need to sit and ponder this. I ask the Father to let me in on where others have walked and why they may behave the way they do toward me or others. I need to realize that the Father knows best how to love them. Perhaps he's “spoiling them” in my eyes in the perfect way they need as I seem to do in what I think is best for my little one. 

Astonishing, amazing, revelational moment from a child.....
]]>Fri, 16 Jun 2017 19:15:50 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/wanted-abiding-and-adult-conversationMarch 2017

I want to be positive, I want to quit correcting the kids all the time with the words, “don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t, don’t, DON’T;” instead with a filling of His Spirit, “let’s do this, how about this way, you can do it easily if you think about it like this….” Going the negative route is my automatic default. I want to press “delete” and redirect - the way I want to scream at Siri when she makes a mess of my voice text no one can make any sense of.

God, I need Your Spirit to voice-text me right into my brain the joy-filled, faith-filled, Spirit-filled dialogue I want to have with my children. And everyone for that matter.

60 days later…

Ok, well that took forever to get back to this! That’s how busy life is in our household.  No time to think much less write anything. But alas, the kids are playing. Yes, summer has begun - 5 days, 12 hours, and 3.6 minutes ago!! Any mom’s relating out there?

Let’s skip to the skinny of the day. I joined a bible study for the summer… I know, what was i thinking?…I’ll tell you what I was thinking, “HELP! I NEED ADULT CONVERSATION - TOPIC NOT IMPORTANT!!” Fortunately, my friend chose an appropriate book for the study, Goliath Must Fall. Yep, right on schedule. How do I do the emoji for the winking from God? I’m still on His radar ;)

At the end of the first “getting to know one another” gathering with a small group of 6 lovely gals on the porch for tea/coffee, my thoughts were, “I’ll get to the Giants I need to overcome in my life, that’s a big bite, but first things first! How do I restore the Joy of the Lord?” I plain don’t feel like singing “zippity-do-dah, zippity-day, my-oh-my what a wonderful day.” You know what I mean? It’s more like,”Ugh, another day with a to-do list of 50 things more than I can possibly do in one day for TODAY! Get up Deborah and let’s get on the move… the eveready Energizer bunny… charge! 100 miles an hour, no holding back on that throttle!” By 3pm most often I’m brain-dead, energy gone, and looking for a pick-me-up herbal organic tea to get me through the rest of the day.  

I know in my head what I’m supposed to do to get His Joy back: confess, believe, have faith, trust, pray, seek, pace yourself, etc, etc… but all that doing weighs me down to get JOY.  All I want to do is pull the pillow over my head and stay in bed!  Can anyone relate?!?!  Well, I can’t afford to do that, life calls -  children, the farms, chores, school, home, yard, AHHH :0!!!

I know that the Word, His Word, Jesus, is the place to go. But how do I get back to it? That may sound ridiculous, but the only time to get uninterrupted time alone with the Father for me is before anyone in my home is awake… right, that would be 4:30-5:00am!!

I actually begged our Lord, (yeah I’m a beggar) to wake me up early, to make me feel wide awake, not be ABLE to sleep anymore, so my only option was to get up and read the Word or lay in bed with nothing to do. I’ve said for weeks, no, MONTHS, “Today I’m doing it. I don’t care how tired I am, I’m getting up extra early. I want to seek God. I want to read His Word and get refreshed, renewed, encouraged….I’m doing it!!”

And day after day, the alarm would go off and I would roll over and say, “I just need one more hour of sleep. I can’t get up. I won’t make it thru the day if I don’t get enough sleep. Ugh!” Can anyone relate? Sounds ridiculous and flimsy, I know, just get up for crying out loud! I hear you. But my body says NO, my feelings agree, and I go back to sleep.

That’s why I needed supernatural strength. For the next 3 days, I found myself wide awake around 2:30-3:00 am!! Guess what I did? Yep, you’re right, I said, “Oh come on God. What am I going to do after our time together until they get up at 6am? How about doing this at 5am? That would be a good time.” And I would toss and turn in bed until 6am. Whoops, then it was too late. How bad do I want this joy?

Ahhh, but my Father...relentless, faithful, merciful, and on a mission. After a few days of this, I finally got out of bed to meet with Him. His plan succeeded, I was up and walking.  

I stumbled onto a very familiar passage about joy and began reading, re-reading, meditating, and taking it apart.
 
John 15:1-12 
“I AM the true vine, and my Father is the Vinedresser…. Abide in Me, and I in you….If you keep my commandments you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that MY JOY MAY BE IN YOU AND THAT YOUR JOY MAY BE MADE FULL!”

Ok, let’s get one thing straight... I CAN’T STAND “FORMULAS”!  However…..here it was in red type... the answer. I love flow charts and here it came to me...

ABIDE IN HIM----HE IN ME----BEAR MUCH FRUIT----ASK IN HIS NAME ----IT IS DONE----ABIDE IN HIS LOVE----KEEP HIS COMMANDS----(LOVE ONE ANOTHER)----HIS JOY IN ME----MY JOY MADE FULL!!!

It’s THE WAY, ABIDING. I have to choose to abide, not work it up. Simply enter into every moment one day at a time. I find myself saying, “Grace for ONE day.”

Today - I let go, I abide, I receive His Presence with me now, I’m breathing out the air of anxiety, stress, negativity... Letting go and receiving His Presence, grace, mercy, freedom in Him... Doing this over and over in a day.

When I have a mental meltdown, because I am reacting to the tenth thing being broken in the house, the fifth fight between kids, a deadline missed, an employee walked out of milking, I missed an appointment, or the car is on empty and we’re late; I’m managing to re-group… breathe in... then go do it all again… Abide, rest, receive - now bearing the fruit of peace. Asking Jesus to enter the moment, receiving again His love. Forgiving anyone, thing, or circumstance currently holding me captive. Taking in His Joy. See it, taste it, believe Him - and allow His Joy to be mine.

Most times, I find myself smiling after this {Sigh}, or should I say Selah :)
 
That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. Until next time!
]]>Mon, 13 Mar 2017 18:16:10 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/my-shackIt seems the movie The Shack has caused quite a stir in the faith community. Is the author a Universalist, does he believe in hell, did he deny Jesus and walk away from Christianity…??? On and on the accusations go.

Here’s what I know...

I read the book 10 years ago and loved it. However, it took me a couple of weeks to finish it rather than in one sitting, because when I got to the part about Mack’s youngest daughter being taken, it undid me. I threw the book on the floor and cried for 3 days. When I was finally able to pick it back up again, I was trembling; all the while wondering… “What is going on with me? This isn’t a true story. It’s only fiction, yet I’m so angry at God for allowing this tragedy! This is ridiculous!!”

I knew the answer.  It was the same reason I struggled my entire faith walk with the love of the Father. I had all the right answers in my head, but my heart couldn’t quite wrap itself around the truth that God is love. He is good all the time and all the time He is good. When I would hear people sing that song, or quote that quote, I would say to myself, “Yeah right, shut up already!” Of course no one knew this. No one except the only three that matter… Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

A long time ago, there were some very traumatic events in my young life. I wrestled with God for years over the fact that I believed He wasn’t there to protect me. Why did He, the all powerful God, allow those events to happen and why hadn’t He stopped them or rescued me? I knew the “right answer” and had been told that answer a thousand times by other victims of abuse, counselors, church people, friends, and the like... “He was there with you through it all and is using it for good now, you can minister to others who have been there…” blah blah, on and on it went. Right, well that did nothing for my heart.

Most days, I could give glory to God for how He showed up in my life, providing, protecting, leading, and caring for me. But it always came back to that one haunting thing…the child in me. Her heart would not accept His GOODNESS in light of her experience. How could this be reconciled?

What I found in the pages of The Shack through the story of Mack, the lead character, was his lifeline to the Trinity by a black woman posed as God the Father, a middle eastern man cast as Jesus, and an Asian woman, very ghost like in appearance, playing the Holy Spirit. The story takes a man who grew up in religion, in a church-going family, that was horribly abused (along with his mother) by an alcoholic father filled with rage. The story then moves to his adulthood, with the abduction and murder of his youngest daughter while he and his family were camping at a beautiful lake campsite. His pain almost destroys he, his wife and two other children. God who? God where? God of love?  That was not his experience. The beautifully told story of how the Trinity captures him to spend a weekend with him at the shack where his daughter was taken, killed, and later hidden, is remarkable.

But having giving you a synopsis of another man’s work, back to my point...

I wanted a “shack encounter” of my own ten years ago… Though I regularly had communion with the Lord, the Father always seemed in the background. I put Him there. I wasn’t sure, I wasn’t safe, I doubted. That’s why the Christian slogan… “God is good all the time, and all the time God is good” always set me off. It seemed so trite, so frankly...glib. I began wrestling with this, really wrestling with this, and then it sort of got shelved again. Life got so busy, then the adoption of five children from the Urkaine, and more farms… it was all consuming, or was it?

After seeing the movie twice now, crying through it the same amount both times, I was relieved and surprised that the “great sorrow” as they refer to it in the film, didn’t wreck me like it did on the first read ten years ago. Why not? 

You see, God has been working on me the last ten years through all the additional trials, tribulations, joys, and sorrows to communicate to my heart that He IS good in and through every event in my life and those around me. 

I walked away from the theatre both times more illuminated and amazed at how the Father so creatively revealed Himself to one of His dearly loved, but severely wounded children, in a way Mack could receive Him, or at the very least, listen to Him.

Over the years, through some very, very heartbreaking moments of loss, the Father has been using innumerable imaginative ways to reveal Himself to me. To reveal His goodness and love for me, not unlike the way He did for Mack in the Shack.

Left to Himself, the Trinity, God always seeks out His wounded and lost, leaving the many for the one… always. And along the way, I was a lost sheep. Lost in my pain, trapped in the past of unbelief about His goodness and love, allowing past and present events to define Him rather than the “story” of the life He has given me to live and His purpose in my life….Lost, but STILL a sheep in His flock that the Shepherd watched over and cared for.

I’d love to say that today we relate perfectly and constantly without any “hitches”... Ha Ha ha!!

BUT…. Ahhh, and there’s always a “but”, no?

Now, I can say… God IS good all the time and ALL the time God is GOOD, and it’s for real.

So keep an open mind. See the Shack and let me know what He has to say to you… You may be amazed!

P.S. Look to see the 4 part interview on TBN with the author, Paul Young. It’s revelational. :)]]>Mon, 06 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/flight-home-from-texas-a-glass-of-wine-things-get-realFather,
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It’s so interesting the things You are beginning to open up in my mind - things You are setting me free to let go of and bless others with what You have given us.  There are so many avenues of giving and blessing that are non-traditional and I am seeing that now. It does not have to be in a way of “non profit”, but blessing other women one-on-one that You put into my life. Open my eyes to the seemingly unimportant that are around me, because it doesn’t seem significant enough to me. Show me the significant to You. Help me to see Your purpose and not my own. Forgive me for being so self-focused in what I can gain in every action, but help me to be a vessel for You and forget about me for once! Let go of self-protection and throw it out there! Wow - letting go of myself opens a WORLD to You and opens impossibilities to Your power and opens ways to influence others to know You, Lord Jesus. Wow, Wow, Wow! This is freedom now, I can see it. This is true freedom! Why get hung up in senseless arguments amongst ourselves? How stupid and time consuming - a waste of time is this!!! Oh my goodness - Lord direct me and as You are doing this in me - open my eyes to see new opportunities I could never imagine or see, because I was blinded by pride, self-protection, fear, and condemnation through comparison. You called me to adopt the five children I have, You knew our future, and You planned for us all - get me on the path You have planned for all of us. Use me to walk it out and lead. Only You knew what the call was and is. I have faltered and been hindered by my own imaginations. Now I only want to have imaginations of You and Your will. Thank you so much for creation and Your wonderful gift of love to do all that for us as humanity. Oh Lord, that we could understand the width and breadth, the scope of who You are - UNimaginable, because our minds are finite.

I also pray and lift up President Trump - Your choosing for the hour - Oh Lord, protect Him and give him the key, the caveat to the blocking of all he commands through executive orders. Shut the mouth of the lion ONE more time. Bring forth Your righteousness and bring the proud low - as only You can do. Give me a Word to encourage our President as humble as that may be. Encourage him through those You have surrounded him with. Strengthen him.
]]>Sun, 16 Oct 2016 04:00:00 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/getting-a-moon-burn-realigning-my-gaze-on-the-true-lightA moon burn... Tonight it's a full moon.  My bedroom is so bright from the 9x6 window. The light coming in casts a shadow across the room. I walk through the house. It's midnight...Looking out all the front windows and then the windows along the back of the house, shadows are every where from the bright moonlight. The full moon is so unlike the sun where you can but cast a glance, or your eyes will need shielding from the intensity of the light. No, the full moon in all it's brightness, though its intensity somehow obscured; and I can stare up at it, look into its  full, round shape, see the beauty of how perfectly symmetrical it is and how the shadows are deeper in the back of the house where the trees are thick, and the darkness is still darker. Yet the moonlight beams with brilliant light piercing through it all.

Now it has shifted and the shadows have moved. It's almost eerie in a way. 

Lord of the universe, God Almighty, El Shadi, Jehovah Jireh, Jesus... Holy Spirit, what do You want to say to me at 12:15am when sleep escapes me. You're drawing me to watch this phenomenon You put into existence from the beginning that comes once a month no matter what the colossal chaos on earth among men. Like clock work, the moon goes through its guided course full, to half, to quarter, to eighth, until it's only a sliver, only to return to its robust fullness in another cycle emanating its amazing light. 

I am being quieted to hear what You're trying to say to me at this hour - to hear You speak over the loud voices stealing my peace and ability to rest.  I've been reviewing the events of the world, the latest tragedies local, national, and worldwide, the disastrous election process here in America... trying to manage the whirlwind of emotions vying to penetrate  my heart and fill me with fear, anxiety, desperation, helplessness, perhaps even hopelessness.

As I lay gazing out my bedroom window, I hear ever so quietly the whisper, “Be still, O my soul, put your hope in God.” 

The moon has moved, the shadows have drifted, and I have the assurance through nature that they will return in a month as they do year-in and year-out, because You say so. 

And all without a thought from me. Not a move or an act on my part. It is totally inconsequential, quite frankly, to my existence. But yet this phenomenon continues. 

Creation, even late in the night while no man gives thought in their sleep, continues to cries out,  “To the glory of  God, Maker of heaven and earth... He who sets our paths, put us in motion, designed our DNA to give us direction and purpose... He calls us out and sets us on high. The God who has mercy and compassion sits with the weak and lowly, feeds and provides for us without our asking... He who maintains us. We are subject to Him, yet cared for and loved by Him. Dependent on Him and here for His pleasure. We delight in Him.” 

And these are creatures and creations without souls, yet so many of them comfort and delight my soul... How could this be?!

I love His creation!  It's majestic, wonderful, holy, and awesome. It's for my benefit as well. How He calls my spirit and soul to rise up and walk on a night like this and behold His creation.

That's how He's chosen to quiet my spirit and give rest to my soul, so I can receive direction to put my hope in Him and realign my gaze on Him, the true light.

All that from a lunar planet reflecting from the other side of the earth the sun, which in reality reflects The Son who is the light of the world. 

Thus I hear through the silence of this night and the light of the moon, them crying out, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lamb that was slain. Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit that live now and forever, Amen.” 

But the night is now over and morning is coming. I'm not ready to sleep just yet.  Perhaps I'll go and read for a bit. Life is a gift isn't it? A mystery... why us, why now, why ever? 

Because He says so. It's His story and I'm sticking to it..... Good Night.

]]>Mon, 20 Jun 2016 03:47:00 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/running-on-emptyWhen you have to borrow money from your children’s piggy bank to go to the laundromat to wash a down comforter, you’ve got problems! Here I am - trying to shake out enough quarters to put in the giant washing machine - thinking, “God, there’s a message in this craziness here; what are you trying to tell me??”. All of this while my five and eight year-olds are watching me in a panic take their money...

Running on empty... no time to go to "the bank" and get what I need, “You’re running on empty, Deborah."

In between runs to the laundromat to transfer the comforter from that giant washer to the double-X-dryer, I took CeCe for a walk along the creek to the bridge by our home. The beauty of the foliage, trees, animal life, and the flowing water allowed me to take a deep breath and consider: up at 4:45am, off to the trainer, then at 6am get kids up to do our morning chores at the barn, grandma's for breakfast when done, then homeschooling from 10-12...who has time???

But I’m missing out on the best part… walking it out with Him!
Going hand-in-hand with Him through all the quagmire of my day.

Yet I’m thinking - I can’t possibly qualify for His time and His Presence if I don’t have a “real quiet time” when I sit down with pen, paper, Bible, study notes, etc. and do deep meditation to prep for the day.

Trying not to knock on what was my life-saving habit for decades before kids, but I'm having an “aha” moment that I’m in His Presence every moment!  I have only to believe, receive, and in a nano second, we’re one, we’re together. I can receive an infusion of His strength, longevity, joy,  laughter, and life!

By George, I HOPE I’ve got it! No more running on empty. I don’t need a “trip” to the quiet zone... He’s here now, with me, in me and living out His purposes through me.

Though, I do still  long for the days when I can leisurely sit for hours (or even an hour) alone with Him - no interruptions, silence, and  tranquility...But, I don’t want to miss out on life now, with all the craziness, and yes “robbing the piggy bank.” It’s all okay. It’s a season with NO LESS of His fullness in my life than any other season.

What season are you in? Pause, breath in, He’s right there….You’re right on schedule. Press on!

]]>Mon, 06 Jun 2016 14:59:47 GMThttp://deborahabenner.com/blog/feeling-his-pleasure-in-meWith only 10 minutes to spare, I need to share what's been rattling in my head for about four days now...

I have been questioning whether or not to do this blog. Who would read it? Who would care? Is it a waste of time? What do I think I’m doing? I'm a mother of five, running four dairies, a household, homeschooling after school… blah blah blah... and I think I have  time to do this??? And further more, just who do I think I am that I have anything worthwhile to say? Yea God, what do You mean, “Deborah, just sit down and write what I tell you, let’s chat and you write?"

So, while brushing my teeth the other morning, I started to feel jubilant!  I’m telling you!...   happy, excited, motivated, like you feel when you are out with life-long friends laughing your heads off, 100% relaxed, in the moment, not a care in the world, not even a THOUGHT of your daily grind or life… AND He spoke, “I take pleasure when you write, when you tell stories, when you laugh and enjoy Me as you do it. That’s Me!”

And then it hit! I FEEL HIS PLEASURE WHEN I DO THIS. WHEN I WRITE THE STORIES (OR TELL THE STORIES) I FEEL HIS PLEASURE BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HE CREATED ME TO DO….

OMG (goodness - plane folks, it’s ok) I feel His pleasure IN ME. And then I remembered how I use to dance in my home in Texas before moving to NYC, just God and I alone; and I would laugh like a little girl. I would actually put on ballet shoes - sing, laugh, and skip around my living room - enjoying Him. Then I would sit down and write and write and write… When I moved to NYC, we had date nights on Thursdays at St. Patrick's Cathedral. I LOVE that cathedral and all the stain glass windows. I felt the company of the saints that went before me. I would sit in the middle pews all alone, but NOT alone. I had soooo much company. I could feel Him and the presence of (don’t go off on me now) the angels and the saints. I would look at the altar, the majestic architecture, the artwork, the marble... smile, sigh, take it all in, and enjoy Him.

That’s what this blog is for, it’s for Him! And, like a flower in the desert that no one ever sees; created for His good pleasure alone, so am I.

AND so are YOU!! Find what it is today, in doing whatever "it" is, that you feel His pleasure while doing "it" - what He created you to do. Borrowing from the man in Chariots of Fire, “I feel His pleasure when I run, because that’s what I was created to do."

Go do it!!!! And enjoy!]]>